Too much granola.

The delicious culprit. 

I have a problem with granola. The problem being I eat it too much. Or rather I eat too much of it at one time. But can you blame me! It's delicious and crunch and flavorful and healthy! Or sort of healthy. The amount I eat is probably not healthy. I should change that.

Anyway. I'm sitting here feeling all kinds of bummed out, not wanting to send letters, make a to-do list, or type emails. I'm tired, defeated, and complaining all while eating handfuls of granola. See, granola is a cooping mechanism. It's how I'm choosing to deal with disappointment.

Disappointment is a weird feeling. It makes me want me to eat fistfuls of granola, cuddle in bed, and watch Grey's Anatomy. Disappointment says, "you're doing everything wrong." Like can I get a small win? Can just one task go as planned? Is that too much to ask?

And, day after day, the answer to these questions are no. So I come home, sit on the chair, and eat granola.

Captivating! 

Over the weekend, I picked up this nifty little book called Culture Shock, Thailand. I've been devouring it. The book explains everything- social hierarchies, understanding religion, and how to buy food. Reading this makes me overjoyed that God has called me to this adventure and the more I learn the more I desire to go! So why does it seem like I'm running into so many obstacles?

My disappointment with how this process has been unfolding, particularly the process of fundraising, has overshadowed God. My doubt has pushed out his faith and I'm not giving him the space to work with my weaknesses. I started by making bold requests from God and people and, due to disappointment, have begun to water them down.

And then I started watering down my feelings, using granola to make my disappointment feel less daunting and less frustrating.

That's not how I was created to live.

God made me for more. He made me to depend on him. To find meaning in him. To find life in him.  But I'm too busy being disappointed and eating granola to notice how he, faithfully, shows up agin and again. Mostly it's in the small things, like in having a bed and internet that works and pretty candles that smell lovely and friends to laugh with and a body that is able to walk and move and a brain that thinks. All these are small but speak to his power. My disappointment, as real and present as it is, cannot stand against God's power.

To say all I need to do is believe is naive. It takes trust, which takes time. But God is worthy of trust! I could use that classic Jeremiah 29:11 verse right here, claiming God has great plans for me, which he does, but it is so important to note that in verse 10, God tells Israel that first, before they can come back to their homeland, they must be exiles for 70 years. Read that again. 70 years. That's a lot of years. And then, God has to audacity to say, hey don't worry, I've got good plans for you because I'm the one in control of you. Being in exile for 70 years does not sound fun. And yet, God is good.

God's plans for me are good and his power is greater than my disappointment but I am mistaken in my thinking that God is going to swoop down and save the day. He's already saved my soul so what more can I ask for? James says we will go through trials and that these should produce joy! I guess is that eating too much granola isn't exactly joy producing, rather making to-do lists, sending emails, and trusting God is a much wiser agenda.