Look at all the shinies!

If you're reading this, chances are I've compared myself to you. I'm not sure of the average amount of comparison a person does in a day but I think I succeed it. Like, I roll out of bed, grab my phone and start scrolling through IG and be like, "wow, their breakfast looks so much more nutritious than mine. They are so much healthier." or "man, I never went on a cool fall break trip. Their life is way better than mine." During chores, I'll secretly compete against my co-workers to see if I can sweep and mop more square-footage than they can. While I'm running, I'll push myself to pass every single person in the park. I compare my to-do list to the crazy jobs of some of my friends. With every interaction, there is a unconscious evaluation: am I prettier, skinner, busier, richer, more important, smarter, faster, wittier, more involved, than this person I'm interacting with. Heck, I compare my current self to my past self!

And. It's. So. Draining.

I've been reading this AMAZING book called Furiously Happy by Jenny Lawson. Y'all should read it. It's a bunch of hilarious essays on the reality of living life with mental disorders. Jenny is kind of an inspiringly, brutally honest hero. She drops this truth bomb near the end of her book:

From Furiously Happy. Go read this book. Now.

Shiny people are lies. Because no one is shiny. I'm not shiny. You're not shiny. We just exist. And we do pretty awesome things, don't get me wrong. All of us are, hopefully, working towards some personal goal, whether that's getting a job, redecorating a house, eating more fruit, finding love, wearing matching clothes, becoming a more caring, genuine person. That's amazing! We should all be consistently en route to a better, more grown, more whole version of who we're created to be. 

If I'm being honest, it's been incredibly challenging being in Thailand for this very reason. I'm comparing my slow, relationally driving life to the fast-paced, high intensity life I lived in Chicago. Yesterday, I pulled out my planner to write a halloween event down and found myself leafing through this past year. Man, it was packed. Classes, meetings, work events, group projects, seeing friends, movie nights, doctors appointments, volunteering, trips home or to visit friends. Life was busy. And then I flipped to September and saw nothing. My days were filled with making spreadsheets, chopping vegetables, going to markets, and eating meals with my co-workers. Life slowed down. And it's a little uncomfortable.

As humans we're drawn to shiny things. Just like raccoons and other small rodents. (See, we're not all that different!) I want to still be shiny! I want to be an impressive person, to be high-impact all the time, to be inspiring and always encouraging masses of people to discover who they are and know they matter and have potential and purpose! And I know that technically it's pretty impressive that I'm residing half-way around the world and all but, transitioning from a high-impact life to one that is slower with a much stronger emphasis on relationships is tricky and awkward. It's much less shiny cause you tend to go unnoticed. So, perhaps this is my public declaration that I'm not a shiny person! My life is not together- it's going places but somedays my biggest accomplishment is feeding myself. And perhaps this is also my personal proclamation to have more grace with myself. If I'm so into allowing others to discover their true worth and many talents, it would make sense to apply that to myself. So I'll give this a go and let you know what happens. 

Step one in being low-functioning adult: find your voice.

My first solo adventure in Bangkok: Visiting an art museum.

Well. The time has come. I’ve been putting off posting a blog for a while. At first it was because I couldn't use my computer. Now it’s because I don't feel like it, which is quite possibly the worst excuse ever. But it’s so hard to adequately describe my past 43 days in Bangkok.

For starters, it’s only been 43 days. That's hardly any time at all, in the grand scheme of things. Moreover, it feels like there’s no way it’s only been 43 days since I’ve learned enough life lessons and been immersed in enough culture to last a lifetime. I bought the journal I’m currently using in June. When I got to Bangkok, it was about 1/6 of the way full. Now, I’m well over halfway through because there’s been such an increase of processing and learning and self-discovery. The wisdom I’ve gained from new friends, through God’s guiding, and having to navigate a completely different way of life is enough to create like three self-help books. It’s awesome. Similarly, I’m fairly certain I now have the writing skills of David, the author of most of the book of Psalms, cause there are pages filled with lines that go: “God what the heck I don't like this it sucks I’m going home I’m so alone but wow look at that sunset, you’re so great I love you I’ll serve you wherever you take me.” So yeah. If business doesn’t work out, I may pursue a career in self-help books.

Another reason I’ve avoided blogging is that I’m trying to find my voice. Dumb reason? Maybe but it’s legit (ish). Nothing makes you feel like more of an adult than flying alone. I lost my sweater in Tokyo’s airport and almost cried. I had to navigate changing terminals and going to the bathroom while toting my broken carry-on. I felt so accomplished when I landed in Bangkok and connected with my newest friends/couple crush/co-workers in the midst of the bustling pick-up area. Like that was a significant moment for me. I felt strong. I did something. Even though all that was required for me was to like board the correct plane and find my seat number, traveling those 8,476 miles solo was rewarding.

Eating my 72783 bah mi sandwhich

THEN. I had to travel by bus alone. My passport expired on the 2^nd of October so I had to leave Thailand to get my education visa activated. I boarded a bus headed to Vientiane, Laos and holy cow that weekend was spectacular. I’d learned enough Thai in the first month and, along with some great hand motioning, I felt comfortable asking for directions, getting food, and enquiring about the price of things. Turns out Laos does not speak Thai and has different currency and drives on the right side of the road so I was basically back to square one. Thanks to the suggestions from a friend, I had a great itinerary planned but we weren’t able to book a hotel. (FYI this is a pretty normal thing like no big deal I promise. I cannot describe to you how many hotels are located in Vientiane. It’s a lot. There are more hotels there than McDonalds and gas stations combined in Chicago, if that gives you an idea.) So after handing in my visa, changing some money, eating breakfast and skyping with my family, I set off to find my hotel.

New friends, new adventures; my best yes.

Since this is already getting so stinking long (if you’re still reading, I’m seriously impressed. This is mostly me word vomming e’erywhere) the moral of the story is this: I picked my own hotel. And wondered around all weekend alone in the second new country I’d visited in one month. And I only did things I wanted to do and I felt strong. And that’s basically where I’m at as far as finding my own voice. I want to own every action I take- to give my best yes to friends, adventures, foods, boyfriends, books, tv shows, jobs, new places to live. And I want to say no to all the things I don’t want to do. Now of course I have to do things I don’t like approximately everyday, such as get out of bed so I’m not late for work or not spend all my money on donuts, cause I’m a low-functioning adult (I saw low-functioning because I have no bills or paycheck ALSO shout out if you’ve given me money to have all the self-discoveries/help empower refugees. Y’all the best. Thanks for letting me be the best low-functioning adult ever).  But yeah, the more I’m focused on pursuing the things/people/places I want to do/see/go, the more obvious the things/people/places I don’t want to do/see/go become. For a while, I had a pretty hazy view of me: what I like, what I’m passionate about, what I want from life. All the self-centered questions we ask ourselves. Now, I’m awkwardly fumbling through the process of self-discovery and starting to shine bright. Like a diamond. LOL. Which is why this post sounds goofy and silly and doesn’t contain a whole lot of smart sounding words because I want to just type out how I feel and really be honest with you. In the process of finding my literal and figurative voice, I’m choosing not to use the thesaurus to find fancier words cause I want this space to be more conversational.

Helpful bathroom advice from my favorite coffee shop

Yep. This is where I’m at. I promise I’ll include more about the work God’s doing here in Bangkok next post. But I hope this has been helpful or maybe even inspiring. If nothing else, I hope you like all the photos. Thanks for your support. Thanks for being great.