America.

So I had this dream of writing this post before arriving in the States but that didn't happen and I've been too busy eating cookie butter and chilling with my family once I arrived to sit down and write which is a red flag for me because it means I've avoiding thinking about my feelings so I'm forcing myself to write this post right now. Phew, glad I've got that off my chest.

My view as I walk to get my bike each morning

I'd wanted to write about how I was nervously excited about coming to the States, how I'm trapped in this tension of loving my life in BKK and sort of not being able to wait to touch down in Nebraska. Like I was fearful to come back basically for a few reasons. What if coming back made me hate Bangkok again? What if going to Chicago made me unable to like board the plane back to Thailand? What if I say weird things at family gatherings or my friends don't accept how I've changed and grown, the list goes on and on. I'm happy to announce that, so far, nothing traumatic has happened, that all my family and friends have been genuinely excited to see me, however the Criminal Mind's international episode that took place in Thailand has epicly poor timing, and I'm okay with flying back to Bangkok.

The, I don't know what you'd call it- let's say interpersonal differences, that I have noticed are how much more open and generous I've been. It's more second nature to me to just think, "Oh who can we invite to this thing?" or, "What people are around to come over and hang out right now?". And also, my mindset about life in general feels a little bit more healthier- something that shifted in Bangkok but I wasn't sure if it'd transfer over here. I think it's actually possible to live a selfless, non-materialistic, community oriented life here in the States. I'm in a unique situation right now as I am not really living here but I can practice these values now so that when I do move back, I can create a life based on them

Literal squad goals

BUT. I've slipped back into unhealthy mindsets. Mostly the rushed, always needed to be moving but not always doing productive things, skipping out on gratitude journals and reading my bible and over eating to distract myself from thinking through my feelings. Cause there's a lot of feelings that come up about the future, injustice, how much stuff people accumulate, and how giant the stores are. Although I have a killer self-care routine in Bangkok, I guess I forgot to throw that in my bag. I don't like this version of myself- this sloth-like, gluttonous, mindless human. She may look and sound the same but believe me, she's just sort of scared of the world she's inhabiting and is choosing to not take an introspective look at herself. And heck, I'm even going to more yoga classes here like does that count for something?! Nope, it's a ruse to avoid siting with my discomfort and fear of the future and wrestling with it, naming it, and surrendering it.

I've got some work to do now so I best get to it.

An anniversary post

6 months in Bangkok in numbers:

Celebrating the King's birthday!

Buddhist Statues

I’ve lived in three different rooms, traveled up north for Thanksgiving, went south right before Christmas, hopped over to Laos for a visa run, spent new years in India. I’ve eaten the most delicious food and know where the best pad thai is hidden, gone fabric shopping with friends from Japan, made friends with a Chinese couple at dinner, learned how to sort of speak and write Thai, given terrible directions to the taxi driver every time I go somewhere, ran 167 miles around the city, biked up and down countless streets, learned how to cook 5 thai dishes, drank about 28 cups of chai yen, seen 4 movies at the cheap theater, posed with cartoon looking Disney characters at a giant Christmas display at a popular mall in Bangkok, gone to 8 lady’s night at the royal oaks, completed the lady’s night marathon, celebrated a friend’s birthday, felt rather Thai during the King’s Birthday, saw a member of the royal family, know how to hum the Thai national anthem, cried while watching a Lady Gaga music video and Buzzfeed short film, cooked Christmas morning breakfast and 3 different donut recipes, watched 3 seasons of Gilmore Girls and tried to stay caught up with Scandal, received 17 letters and over 30 emails, welcomed 3 new co-workers and said goodbye to one, read 12 books and listened to 2,095 minutes of podcasts, biked to the store 19 times to buy oil for Mina, completed one journal, water colored 4 times, made countless new friends, drank 3 bottles of wine, viewed 3 art galleries, and ate 6 containers of sticky rice.

Christmas breakfast for 15 people

My ballet buddy at Halloween

I’ve learned that not all bananas look the same, how to barter at a market, how to actually use a squatty potty, that Thai’s are like weirdly honest and won’t steal your bike if it’s not locked up while you run inside 7-11, that 7-11 is actually mecca as you can pay bills, buy airline tickets, get a phone, and purchase the most delicious cookies all in the same place, that international friends are wonderful and it really helps when you’re open right away, that boundaries show love and it’s important to have them,  how to keep my emotions from dictating my reaction to a situation, how to love my body for what she is right now and to stop wishing she would change, that eggs come in 10, not 12, that traveling alone is a wonderful and bold feeling, that God can and wants to take my anger, that Thais do not honk while driving, that having assumptions is not helpful and asking questions is, that someone’s opinion of my says more about them than it does about me, that hard things are important and life shouldn’t be sugar coated- it should be bold and vibrant and messy and meaningful.

Bananas growing!

My favorite, newly discovered quote is “this is your wild and precious life” as spoken by Mary Oliver. And that’s exactly what Thailand is showing and teaching me. Life is meant to be lived, as cheesy as it sounds, and Thailand keeps all my sense on alert. I smell the oil of friend chicken and spices of green curry, feel the sweat trickling down my back and the exhaust blowing in my face, hear the rushed words of the street vender and roar of traffic, see the vibrant colors of the sun rise and green of plants and succulents everywhere and taste the sweetness of a fleshy papaya and the bite right at the back of my throat after eating a hot chili. So cheers to a 6 month that's been marked by every emotion under the sun. Bangkok, you're growing on me.