America.

So I had this dream of writing this post before arriving in the States but that didn't happen and I've been too busy eating cookie butter and chilling with my family once I arrived to sit down and write which is a red flag for me because it means I've avoiding thinking about my feelings so I'm forcing myself to write this post right now. Phew, glad I've got that off my chest.

My view as I walk to get my bike each morning

I'd wanted to write about how I was nervously excited about coming to the States, how I'm trapped in this tension of loving my life in BKK and sort of not being able to wait to touch down in Nebraska. Like I was fearful to come back basically for a few reasons. What if coming back made me hate Bangkok again? What if going to Chicago made me unable to like board the plane back to Thailand? What if I say weird things at family gatherings or my friends don't accept how I've changed and grown, the list goes on and on. I'm happy to announce that, so far, nothing traumatic has happened, that all my family and friends have been genuinely excited to see me, however the Criminal Mind's international episode that took place in Thailand has epicly poor timing, and I'm okay with flying back to Bangkok.

The, I don't know what you'd call it- let's say interpersonal differences, that I have noticed are how much more open and generous I've been. It's more second nature to me to just think, "Oh who can we invite to this thing?" or, "What people are around to come over and hang out right now?". And also, my mindset about life in general feels a little bit more healthier- something that shifted in Bangkok but I wasn't sure if it'd transfer over here. I think it's actually possible to live a selfless, non-materialistic, community oriented life here in the States. I'm in a unique situation right now as I am not really living here but I can practice these values now so that when I do move back, I can create a life based on them

Literal squad goals

BUT. I've slipped back into unhealthy mindsets. Mostly the rushed, always needed to be moving but not always doing productive things, skipping out on gratitude journals and reading my bible and over eating to distract myself from thinking through my feelings. Cause there's a lot of feelings that come up about the future, injustice, how much stuff people accumulate, and how giant the stores are. Although I have a killer self-care routine in Bangkok, I guess I forgot to throw that in my bag. I don't like this version of myself- this sloth-like, gluttonous, mindless human. She may look and sound the same but believe me, she's just sort of scared of the world she's inhabiting and is choosing to not take an introspective look at herself. And heck, I'm even going to more yoga classes here like does that count for something?! Nope, it's a ruse to avoid siting with my discomfort and fear of the future and wrestling with it, naming it, and surrendering it.

I've got some work to do now so I best get to it.