Grace?

Have you ever journaled about something or prayed for something and then it actually happened? Cause I have and I actually didn't like it.

On Monday I asked God for times during this week to practice asking grace from other. And He supplied. This week has made me feel less than, caused me the question what defines me, and given me ample reasons to ask for forgiveness from others. And it's only Wednesday.

As I'm preparing for Thailand (STARTING THE 10 WEEK COUNT DOWN), I've been thinking about all the things I need to do like have self-disciplined, lose 5 pounds, learn how to spell words correctly, manage my money better, have effective communication, and love every single person I interact with. And the reality is that I am not going to master a single item on this list in 10 weeks, much less during my lifetime. 

Trying to let this be my life motto.

So. What do I do? What do I do with all my humanness and shortcomings and failings? Well, this week has taught me two things: ask for grace and, no matter what the other person's response is, God's grace is enough. 

Asking for grace from God is easy but asking other's is so hard. And then believing that God's grace is enough regardless of the other person's responce is even more challenging. 

I don't know how to do this well- asking for grace from others. I hold too much stake in other's view of me and forget how God sees me. But it is because of His grace that I can ask for it from others. I can ask for forgiveness for being late, loosing my patience, or missing expectations.  I may never master this skill, and I certainly won't have it all together before moving overseas, but grace is a gift that keeps on giving. God is enough. In my weakness, He is strong and it is only through Him that I find the strength to ask for grace from others. 

Too much granola.

The delicious culprit. 

I have a problem with granola. The problem being I eat it too much. Or rather I eat too much of it at one time. But can you blame me! It's delicious and crunch and flavorful and healthy! Or sort of healthy. The amount I eat is probably not healthy. I should change that.

Anyway. I'm sitting here feeling all kinds of bummed out, not wanting to send letters, make a to-do list, or type emails. I'm tired, defeated, and complaining all while eating handfuls of granola. See, granola is a cooping mechanism. It's how I'm choosing to deal with disappointment.

Disappointment is a weird feeling. It makes me want me to eat fistfuls of granola, cuddle in bed, and watch Grey's Anatomy. Disappointment says, "you're doing everything wrong." Like can I get a small win? Can just one task go as planned? Is that too much to ask?

And, day after day, the answer to these questions are no. So I come home, sit on the chair, and eat granola.

Captivating! 

Over the weekend, I picked up this nifty little book called Culture Shock, Thailand. I've been devouring it. The book explains everything- social hierarchies, understanding religion, and how to buy food. Reading this makes me overjoyed that God has called me to this adventure and the more I learn the more I desire to go! So why does it seem like I'm running into so many obstacles?

My disappointment with how this process has been unfolding, particularly the process of fundraising, has overshadowed God. My doubt has pushed out his faith and I'm not giving him the space to work with my weaknesses. I started by making bold requests from God and people and, due to disappointment, have begun to water them down.

And then I started watering down my feelings, using granola to make my disappointment feel less daunting and less frustrating.

That's not how I was created to live.

God made me for more. He made me to depend on him. To find meaning in him. To find life in him.  But I'm too busy being disappointed and eating granola to notice how he, faithfully, shows up agin and again. Mostly it's in the small things, like in having a bed and internet that works and pretty candles that smell lovely and friends to laugh with and a body that is able to walk and move and a brain that thinks. All these are small but speak to his power. My disappointment, as real and present as it is, cannot stand against God's power.

To say all I need to do is believe is naive. It takes trust, which takes time. But God is worthy of trust! I could use that classic Jeremiah 29:11 verse right here, claiming God has great plans for me, which he does, but it is so important to note that in verse 10, God tells Israel that first, before they can come back to their homeland, they must be exiles for 70 years. Read that again. 70 years. That's a lot of years. And then, God has to audacity to say, hey don't worry, I've got good plans for you because I'm the one in control of you. Being in exile for 70 years does not sound fun. And yet, God is good.

God's plans for me are good and his power is greater than my disappointment but I am mistaken in my thinking that God is going to swoop down and save the day. He's already saved my soul so what more can I ask for? James says we will go through trials and that these should produce joy! I guess is that eating too much granola isn't exactly joy producing, rather making to-do lists, sending emails, and trusting God is a much wiser agenda.

Home?

Home is central to life. Having a physical thing to say, "hey this is mine" seems like a basic right. It's comforting, provides normalcy and a place to cook and store your clothing. Home is good. It should be safe. It should be a place of routine.

And then sometimes it isn't.

Home is where the cacti are.

Sometimes home is couch hopping. Sharing a bed. Renting a futon. Sometimes home changes more than the weather on a typical Chicago day. It's not normal, there's no routine, and it feels unsafe.

This has been my post-grad reality.

I'd tried to make this super temporary nomadic season as a time of gratitude, of giving thanks to the wonderful friends who are storing my clothes, opening their homes, and providing me an interim family as I'm waiting to move into my summer apartment. And believe me when I say I'm thankful. I truly have seen an incredible support system rise around me and I am humbled by people' love. Selfishly, however, I want to curl up on a bed that isn't mine and complain about how life is too hard, I don't have a home right now and all leave this city.

And I think this is a consistent representation of my prayer life.

When life fails to meet my expectations or when I'm too emotionally exhausted, I complain to everyone. My parents (God has blessed you with crazy amounts of patiences so S/O to you for being awesome), my friends, myself, my kids at work, in my journal, and to God. Grumbling. Lamenting. Bemoaning. Doing everything in my power to focus on the negative or unpleasant circumstance. Yet it's in the seasons with unsteady routines, uncomfortable circumstances, and lack of control over my reality that God continually, faithfully, consistently shows up. Over and over. I forget. God is faithful. I forget. God is faithful. I forget. God is faithful.

I seem to forget quite continuously these days. My expectations of post-grad life are not being met. Walking across the stage didn't suddenly make my anxieties flutter away. And God is still good. I just forget this. There's two tensions at work here: "I'll fake it til I make it" and "Woe is me". Neither one allows the present emotions to be experienced in a healthy way nor do they make space for true gratitude. The mindset I'd like to replace those with is more like a prayer, saying "God, you've been faithful and you continue to be faithful. I don't trust you right now and you will always be good." This expresses my human tendency to not trust what I can't see or don't understand as well as the forever truth that God is faithful. He's been faithful since the creation of the world and there is not one single promise He's broken yet my flesh doubts Him again and again. I'm thankful that my limitations and doubts do not reflect the true nature of God.

I'm thankful He is my home.

Blog update//giving information

Hello faithful followers!

This past week has been quite crazy. I graduated college, moved out of my school-year apartment, and am still trying to wrap my head around what's happening next in my life!

I have been BLOWN away by how encouraging everyone has been as many people have been eagerly asking how they can support my trip. I've re-done the layout of my blog. The "Partner with Me" information is at the top of the page now in hopes that it makes it easier for those who would like to donate to find the information.

First, to go this page. In the box that says "use my donation for", put in "Olivia Gahan- WMF Thailand" as it will notify the US office to place the funds aside for me. Then choose your amount and you have also the option of making it a monthly donation.

Thank you so much for your generosity! If you have any questions or would like to meet up and talk more in-depth about the trip, I would love to set time aside to answer any questions!

Letting the city teach me

Everyone has a life path. A tale of overlapping fates. A Story. Stories shape our life. We learn from them and they shape who we are. Everyone has a story. Thus far, my story has had many chapters filled with themes of trust and faithfulness and, as my college time is coming to an end, my story is about to have a new chapter.

End of High School//Start of an adventure!

Let me back up to 4 years ago when I was graduating from high school and, by a miracle of God, chose to attend North Park. I had previously learned about NPU during a mission trip in Chicago the summer of 2006 when I stayed on campus. I returned during the summer of 2009 and discovered the Boys & Girls Club, which has been my place of employment for almost three years. As a freshman, I volunteered at By The Hand where I was reconnected with my mission trip leader and met one of my dearest friends who also attends Soul City Church! Attending North Park lead me on a wild adventure where I learned more about myself, how to love others well, and choosing to trust God.

Learn more about the Foundation!!

So I shouldn't be surprised as my college years are coming to a close and He's calling me on another adventure! I've been chosen to serve alongside Word Made Flesh in Thailand for the next two years! Work Made Flesh is committed to "serving Jesus among the most vulnerable poor" (read more here). I will be working alongside the Creative Life Foundation who serve migrant, displaced, trafficked, and marginalized individuals living in Bangkok. Watch the quick video below in the link!

During my time in Thailand, I will partner with a project called Mina's (check out the facebook page!) by building relationships who those impacted by this awesome project and helping the project grow. Mina's mission statement is to exist to create wholesome delicious healthy foods at reasonable and accessible prices to create jobs that are creative, fun, rewarding, inspiring with positive impact on larger community. I am thrilled for this opportunity because it links my passion for relational missions and healthy, sustainable food!

This city has taught me so much. It's propelled my passions, developed a deeper sense of self, and elevated my eagerness to serve others. This is such an Only God story and the way He's used Chicago as my classroom the past four years is proof of His goodness. I am eager to take the lessons of trust and faithfulness learned here in Chicago and bring them to Bangkok as this new chapter of my life unfolds.

Warm to your toes potato, lentil, and vegetable stew!

Hey! I made my own soup and actually measured everything and am so excited to share it with you!
So, all over the world, it is freezing. Maybe not everywhere but here, it has been so cool for way too long. Like isn't there a limit on how much snow can fall from the sky?! Naturally, after walking from the bus, all I want to eat is some amazing soup. After being inspired from this post from the Smitten Kitchen, I was intrigued. I'd never mixed lentils and potatoes together! Since I am a college student, I did not have like any of the ingredients in my kitchen. Improvisation is key! But the results are a delicious, filling, warm stew to keep you warm on a winter night!

Warm to your toes potato, lentil, and vegetable stew:

Ingredients:

1/4 cup whole green lentils
1 cup water
1 cup vegetable stock
Red onion, to taste
2 tsp crushed garlic, about 4 garlic cloves
2 tsp cumin
3-4 small potatoes
1/4 cup mushroom
1 small zucchini
Salt and pepper to taste

Directions:

Place lentils and liquids in pot. Boil for about 10 minutes. Add onion (I used a solid wedge, which is an entirely unhelpful measurement, I know), garlic, cumin, and salt and pepper to taste. Cut potatoes into small wedges. Turn down the heat and add to pot.
Mince mushrooms and zucchini. Add to pot. Add more water/stock if the stew is a little too thick. Let simmer for about 15-20 minutes, depending on how long it takes the lentils to become soft.
Enjoy!!

Thankful reflections.

It has been all too long since I wrote last. Life seems to have picked up speed. While I try to maintain the hectic pace, all too often I flail and fall and fail to keep up. I am all out of breath. Things blur by and I forget to pause, reflect, and give thanks. My to-to list becomes so extensive that I am more motivated by the tasks than by the people God has so graciously placed in my life. My world spins madly and I become so sucked in, I start thinking that this is MY world and I only have to worry about ME.

I forget to reflect and give thanks.

One of my favorite ways to meditate is through reflective meditation. At the end of the day, I will lie down, breathe deeply, focus my mind on the day and reflect on my actions, thoughts, and words as I interacted with others during the day. There are themes throughout my days- I get grumpy when things don't go my way, I tend to be edgy when I feel stressed, I respond with hostility to certain types of leadership- that I am more mindful of because I know these are areas that need improvement.

But my favorite aspect of reflective meditation is being mindful of all the good things, all the moments during the day I can give thanks for. These can be as simple as the sunrise or as complex as discerning the Lord's direction for a life path.

One morning as I was drinking my coffee, I noticed the reflection of my kitchen christmas lights and the cloudy sky. It struck my attention and I snapped this picture. While admiring the reflection, I began pondering on my own actions lately. 

My whirlwind life had struck down my peaceful spirit and replaced it with one of anxiousness. I was so immersed in life that I started to manifest the world, not God. 

I was looking outward, not upward.

Reflections constructs space for thanksgiving and produces praise to the Lord. For myself, it also creates a space for me to be listening for God and what He says is true- regardless of the noise of the world. It is all the more crucial to carve out the time to pause, reflect, and give thanks even  in the midst of crazy life circumstances. It is in the time of chaos that reorienting ourselves upwards to reflect the Lord creates to most rebalancing in our lives.