A peaceful fiery fighter

Eleven months in

One month until it’s been a year

One month until the count down begins

Time has just started to feel like a soft spring of water passing through my life

Unlike the crashing waves of transition, homesickness, loneliness

It’s almost as if I woke up on the 5^th of August without the cognitive recognition that this day is in fact different from yesterday because it is momentous in that I’ve resided in Bangkok for 11 months

This marker isn’t even Instagram worthy

Because it just is

Life is hard and frustrating and ever changing

And I have my people here I have my support

And I’m learning about myself what I need what emotions I channel what calms me down how to have confrontational meeting without crying or being a bully how to listen how to fight for what is right how to take initiative how to say no how to be

That’s why life passes easier now because I can be

I feel safe

This is home

I am my own home

There’s a comfort in this- knowing I’m completely at ease at peace with who I am

I get to wake up every morning fully owning all the actions I did yesterday being able to admit mistakes ask for forgiveness see mishaps as points of learning

Understanding that it’s key for me to know how people best receive love so I can be more intentional about showing how I care for those around me knowing that though I feel anger as my primary emotion this doesn’t have to make me a resentful person no in fact it makes me a passionate person fiery and ready to fight fight for myself fight for my work fight for my people

I’m owning that I’m a fiery fighter which I think I was scared to admit

Fighters generally clash with people no one wants to be disliked

But that’s not me I’m a fighter who’s no good at being quiet

When I’m quiet I forget who I am when I don’t address a problem a miscommunication a point of disagreement with an individual that’s when the resentment builds

I resent the person for the conversation I will never bring up I resent myself for not taking that first step

I resent myself for not being strong

Now I can own that I’m a fighter I fight for my people I learn how they receive love and fight to show it I fight for communication and I fight for stillness

Something that’s been revolutionary is this fight for stillness because everything about me wants to be moving

Always on the go always doing never still

Fighting for stillness within my soul is perhaps the greatest duel of them all, second only to vulnerability

Yet the biggest victory comes when I say no and take time to dive into who I am as a human, as a child of God, as a female

During this time of stillness I learn more about who I am what comes easily to me what areas of life are a challenge what makes me explode with joy what brings me life

Candles watercolors clouds lifting weights discussing politics homemade food feminist literature

A few of my favorite things

See it’s in the stillness I become more attuned to the core of my being am refreshed and can keep up the fight

My stillness is my greatest strength

My only mightier force is vulnerability

This force is only strong with I’m first vulnerable with myself

I’ve been running for vulnerability for a while 2 months in fact

See some of our staff left and it’s begun the wave of people I’ve learned to love and fight for returning home and away from me

What’s the point of loving and fighting for and being vulnerable with if you’ll just leave?

Vulnerability with myself brought me face to face with the realization that I like being in control and when my status quo shifts I am unprepared to adjust

It just takes me longer to find a new rhythm

Having staff-dear friends really- leave was hard it is hard

Despite the sweet dear friends still here in Bangkok my heart longs for those who have gone back who have followed the calling of their hearts and returned to chase their passions

My heart would really like to be back in Chicago chasing my passions but I’m still here

Vulnerability showed me that part of why people leaving made me so sad is because some days my heart does not understand why I live in Bangkok when my heartstrings are so clearly attached to Chicago

It was only when I got so honest with myself about this truth that I was able to both mourn not being in Chicago and celebrate the gift and opportunity of living here

Stillness made room for vulnerability with my soul and created time to meditate and think through these conflicting feelings

I can own this dichotomy and connect with community in Bangkok and learn how to fight for and love the people and city here and look forward to being called back to Chicago

It’s taken 11 months

And I’m finally at peace with who I am

I am a girl called to Bangkok by a Mighty God who knew this city this job this community would cause me to question everything

Who am I what am I passionate about who is God how do I react to stress why do I love people how do I show I care what does communication look like what is self care what would it look like if I actually loved myself what is my vision what brings be joy what is community

 Stillness let me answer all these questions

And own my fiery fighting spirit

And create peace within the contract to contradiction the confusion