Dear Diary

The one-year mark is upon us! Since I love marking millstones, reading old journals, and reminiscing on the past, here’s a peek into some real journal entries I wrote around this time, last year. Some very real, honest, vulnerable (haha**) entries about transition into this season. 

9/1/15

Lord, how come you’ve called me to do community in a totally unknown place with factors I’ve never even considered when I can’t get my community right here? Like why go abroad when I’m leaving messes here? What about community are you going to teach me?

9/5/15

Every part of my body is swollen and I am so disoriented. My body doesn’t feel like my own. I feel as if I’m walking through a dream.

9/6/15

I’m sweaty, nauseous. Hot all the time. Stinky… I’m waiting for this to become my normal.

9/7/15

Exodus 3: 11-12

“Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and bring the children of Israel out of Egypt?” He said, “But I will be with you…’

This man [Abram] is considered a father of the faith. He’s in the hall of faith [a reference to Hebrew 11] And here he is doubting the voice of God like fighting with him and arguing. So I think it’s okay that you’re having hella doubts about this season. You’re wrestling with the hard questions of why me. Why this culture, why these people. Take heart! God can sue even the most doubtful heart!

9/8/16

Exodus 9:15-16

God COULD have sped up the whole process. But he didn’t he wanted Pharaoh to come to terms with the full extent of God’s power, majesty, and might. To recognize that the LORD deserves to be served and to be worshiped.

9/19/15

Reality: coming to Thailand didn’t solve my problems. I thought it would.

9/24/15 || 24/9/15- will I naturally begin to write my dates like a Thai? Who knows! (It took a month, see date below)

10/3/15

God. What. I cannot wrap my head around this. How good you are! In this past month, you’ve taught me: to be will, to be alone, to slow down, to recognize what I need, what makes me feel safe and seen and the crazy part is that this is only beginning of all the ways you’ll teach, grow, shape, and TRANSFORM me! Thank you!

4/9/16

Things that have stayed consistent this past year:

Feeling like a swollen marshmallow. I’m 100% confident my ankles have been double size since I landed in Bangkok. 

I still don’t understand community and still make messes with people.

I don’t have perfect relationships! (See above) In fact, being away from friends and navigating friendships here has brought to light both life giving and destructive friendship patterns. We’re all a work in progress, right?

It’s still always hot and I’m perpetually smelly. Just kidding I do shower often but you will usually find me with a moist brow and sweat-stache.

Coming to Thailand DIDN’T solve my problems like you would think I would have known this already seeing there’s an entire book of the bible (Jonah) dedicated to what happens when you try to avoid God and run away. While a whale may not have swallowed me, God did create the perfect storm (loneliness, depression, anger, dissatisfaction, overeating, culture shock, etc.) to throw me overboard and cling to him as a life raft OMG that’s so corny I can’t even. All bad Christian puns aside, there were times this past year where I was so uncomfortable and sad and full of doubt that going to God was my only option albeit my least preferred option.

As you can see from last year’s journal entries, Exodus was a key part of the first months here in Bangkok. My heart verse for this season is Exodus 36:2. It’s on my desk and I look at it whenever I doubt God, which is a daily occurrence. It says, “I have stirred your heart. I have given you skills. Do my work. I am with you. –God.” And it is with this confidence, this anchor that I approach this year. God is faithful and I am forgetful. God has a purpose larger than I can understand. He’s put Bangkok on my heart, he’s called me to do work with CLF, he’s stirred my heart for these people and he is faithful to continue doing good work in and through me.   

  

** Side note cliché ‘christian’ lingo makes me giggle so in my head I was saying this word in a slightly sarcastic voice partly because it’s funny and partly because I hate vulnerability and making it goofy makes it easier for me. Lol.